I’ve read five memoirs this year so far.
Each one has shown me more about the reality of being human–the messy, mistake-laden, mundane, confusing, serendipitous reality of being human. I’ve learned alongside, disagreed with, and empathized with these flesh-and-blood authors, these storytellers who use their skills to share their own lives with boldness and vulnerability.
But I’ve also heard this phrase about memoirs repeated often: don’t write a memoir when you’re young. Sometimes accompanied by another: don’t assume you’re important enough to write a memoir.
And here’s why I think both of those ideas, while well-meaning, are misguided.
We’re All in Process
I just finished ‘Everything I Know About Love’ by Dolly Alderton. Dolly is a New York Times bestselling author, and in this book, she captures her experiences of her 20s in hilarious and painstaking detail. Closing out the book with her thirtieth birthday, there was a sense of resolution in the ending. It’s true, this wasn’t a grand narrative of her life and all the wisdom she’s attained. Instead, it was a relatable story of the chaos and uncertainty of her 20s.
Through her words I felt at once entertained, seen, and taken seriously. In Dolly’s experience of romantic relationships, different seasons of friendships, and job changes, I saw glimpses of my own.
There is wisdom in waiting to share about experiences until you’ve sufficiently healed from them. It’s also great to wait until your later years, where there’s more stories to tell and wisdom already gleaned, if that’s what you prefer.
Yet, there’s something incredibly humanizing about learning from someone’s experiences as they happen, or pretty close to it.
I don’t think you can be too young to write a memoir because we learn from each other’s stories even if they’re still in process (they always are). Take me on the journey with you—I want to join.
Context Still Matters
In reading any piece of writing, it’s always important to take context into account. Who is the author, what is their background, and why are they writing? Reading an author in context leaves room for them to develop new insights or even disagree with themselves down the road.
While this may make some wary, I don’t think it can be avoided—in memoir or in any other genre. Even in research-focused fields, where the writing is more scientific and peer-reviewed, our knowledge grows and changes. I’m always encouraged that the great St. Augustine published a book called ‘Retractions’ that critiques his own writing from years past. Changing our mind is a good thing.
This means memoirs don’t have to be all-encapsulating. We can write memoirs about a singular life event at a certain point in time. There can always be a part two.
Which brings me to my next point. Not to be morbid, but waiting until the end of life to share your story presumes you will live that long. None of us can predict when that day will come, so it seems best to write whenever the inspiration falls upon us.
The Question of Celebrity
Then there’s the idea of needing to be famous to write a memoir. Yes, writing a memoir could be an exercise in self-indulgence or narcissism. Why do you think you’re important enough to write a book about yourself? Point taken.
But I’m also not sure that age or notoriety is what makes someone’s story worth telling. If we’re only reading the lives of the sages and celebrities, isn’t the demographic skewed? Isn’t there a section of the world we’re not hearing from, whose trials and successes are just as valuable?
Memoirs get written (or ghost-written) by those our culture deems most successful. These inspire us and leave us in awe at what humans can accomplish. But there are others who simply makes us feel less alone in the world. Perhaps these are successes in other ways—of loving again after heartbreak, getting through a shattering loss, or learning to be vulnerable though fear wells up inside.
Ultimately, we love memoirs for the way someone’s humanity resonates with our own, and that can be felt at any level of notoriety and any stage of life.
Memoirs I’ve enjoyed:
- Everything I Know About Love – Dolly Alderton
- How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told – Harrison Scott Key
- All My Knotted-Up Life – Beth Moore
- How Far to the Promised Land: One Black Family’s Story of Hope and Survival in the American South – Esau McCaulley
- Friends, Lovers, and the Big, Terrible Thing – Matthew Perry
- Congratulations, Who Are You Again? – Harrison Scott Key
- I’m Glad My Mom Died – Jennette McCurdy
- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed – Lori Gottlieb
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