Being a woman used to mean being many things I wasn’t.
Shortly after becoming a Christian, I listened to sermons like a maniac. David Platt, John Piper, and Matt Chandler especially. They quickly became my heroes and I found myself constructing sermons in my head when my mind wandered. I had a subtle but buried desire to teach, but neither the confidence nor place to believe I ever would. But I came to love theology, and my main theological role models were men.
I remember telling a friend that sometimes I plan my life like I’ll be a father one day, not a mother. You might think that’s insane and it kind of is. But I thought this way because those whose lives I aspired to, whose theology I respected, who had gifts and goals similar to mine… were male.
I didn’t see women doing what I wanted to do. They were teaching, but not in ways I wanted to imitate. The women with my gifts didn’t have my theology and the women with my theology didn’t have my gifts. But the men had both. In the circles I lived in, I found godly women, but they had different dreams than me. Their life revolved around being a wife and a mom. And praise God because I need these kind of role models! But the desire to be a wife and mother has always come second to my desire to vocationally share God’s Word. And the men were doing it, so I wanted to imitate them. They could have their cake and eat it, too. They could be in ministry and have a family. So many women had to choose, and I didn’t want to be one of them.
Womanhood, to me, meant supporting my husband’s gifts and cultivating my kids’ gifts but not doing anything with my own. It meant supporting but not being supported and cultivating but not being cultivated. It meant hospitality and service and only ever desiring to be a mother.
While this wasn’t necessarily what was communicated, this is what I absorbed, for one reason or another. I believed that a Christian woman is defined by what she doesn’t do for the sake of her role. And I couldn’t find a satisfying answer for what an unmarried woman should do with her intellectual and teaching and leadership gifts.
I saw in myself this gnawing hatred at being a woman. This is what a woman is and I’m not those things. I felt restricted. I felt excluded. I didn’t want to be a boy, but I despised the paradigm of my gender that went against so many aspects of who I am. I wished my main desire was to get married and have kids. I wished my gifts naturally lent themselves to be a stay at home mom. But they didn’t. So something must have been wrong with me.
I began my Christian life as staunchly complementarian as I could get.[1] I believed Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.[2] I didn’t think women should lead men, ever. I had some underlying questions like, “When does a boy officially become a man?” and “What does it mean that Eve was deceived?” but I wholeheartedly subscribed to John Piper’s theology. I considered him right on everything else, so he must have been right on this, too.[3]
In college I heard other views—though still complementarian ones. I started to believe that women could teach and lead men as long as it wasn’t authoritatively in the church. Women could be CEOs, seminary professors, and Sunday school teachers, they just couldn’t be pastors or elders.
My final year of college I realized that many who held to the authority of Scripture also believed women could be ordained. This was news to me. I didn’t know any egalitarians. I equated women pastors with theological liberalism and I was terrified of becoming liberal.[4] But I began to listen to broader perspectives.
My passion thus far has been geared toward the pervasiveness of sexism in the church and culture as well as gender stereotypes that the church accepts as normative.[5] Now I’ve decided to study the egalitarian arguments for women’s roles in the church and home. This includes the daunting question of whether women can be pastors.
That’s why I share my story. Not to justify my views of Scripture or blame my frustration on anyone else. I just know that “exegesis without presuppositions is impossible.”[6] In other words, I don’t come to Scripture as a blank slate. My experiences affect how I read the text. I have some stake in the meaning of 1 Timothy 2:12.[7] So I’ll take that into account as I work through my convictions. I desire to be faithful to God and obey whatever his Word says, regardless of how I feel about it. Scripture does not submit to me, but I must submit to it.
At the same time, no one else comes to Scripture as a blank slate. There are ways we have taken Scripture and used it to justify demeaning actions, even abuse, against women. We’ve silenced women and failed to make space for their gifts. We’ve treated half the church like they’re not made in the image of God. For this we must repent.
Finally, I tell my story because I don’t think it’s all that unique. Many women (and men!) have felt similar frustrations, asked similar questions, and scrambled in search of answers. I hope we can all examine our convictions, represent others’ views fairly, and listen well.
You can read other posts I’ve written on women in the church here.
[1]There is a spectrum of beliefs on the roles of men and women in the church. However, two terms that are used and often pitted against one another are complementarianism and egalitarianism. Complementarians believe qualified men should lead both church and home and women should submit to that leadership, only if the leaders are honoring the Lord. Egalitarians believe both men and women can occupy leadership positions in the church and husband and wife mutually submit to one another in marriage. Both views believe men and women are equal; both believe men and women are different.
[2]A controversial book by John Piper and Wayne Grudem, that argues that men are essentially leaders and women are essentially submissive.
[3]Here is one article on Piper’s view of women in ministry: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/can-a-woman-preach-if-elders-affirm-it. While I now disagree with many of Piper’s views, including those on women in the church, I am greatly indebted to him. His ministry has helped me in times of spiritual darkness and I’m grateful.
[4]By theological liberalism I mean the belief system that says the Bible is not authoritative and Jesus is not divine.
[5]By sexism I mean the belief that women are inferior to men.
[6]Rudolf Bultmann.
[7]1 Timothy 2:12-15 says, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety.”
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